Thinking

I may not be as eloquent as Jeremy but sometimes he unknowingly inspires me with this desire to want to try to express the silly but not little thoughts that enter my head.

I have been struggling with two very different versions of me lately. One is valiant and bold. This is the one that is so gung ho about going on trips to Europe and going to Nationals alone. She is amazing. The other is small and very sad. She realizes all these problems and very few are hers. She sees everything but only embraces the negative and depressing.

Nevermind.

Ephesians 4:29-32
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Darn it.

This is Home

I've got my memories
They're always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe now
I've seen too much
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

Chorus:
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
[ This Is Home lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
Now I won't go back
This is home

A hard day. I'm learning how to balance everything. It's difficult. I have come to the conclusion that some things are going to have to be dropped. I spend too much time worrying and not loving. I am, of course forgiven, but I am tired of it being a personality trait. I have realized that I often sacrifice myself to the point where I am merely an injured soul trying to care for others. It's just possible. I have got to let God heal me before I can help others. Now I just have to get to that point in my heart. Silly logic.

Things to Remember

Romans 3:20
"Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin."

Romans 3:22-24
"This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

Romans 5:3-6
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Romans 5:19
"For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous."

I nearly stand on the threshold of one path of life and the next. It's exciting, hopeful, and terrifying. Part of me wishes it all to end. I am tired of so many things. Mostly the triviality.
And yet...

Part of me wants to lock myself up in this room and just be alone to read and sleep.
Part of me wants to cling to 6-203. I don't know. I don't want to be signing yearbooks.
I don't know why I bought one. It just seems silly now. I just want to study or read.

I don't want to have conversations with most people. The few people I would actually like to talk with I can't.

The funny thing is this post was going to be so optimistic.

For months I have not felt I had anything about which to write. Now I am afraid I have too much that it will not come out properly. Oh well. Life is full of ironies.

It is so bizarre to me to be part of this minority. Even within the Christian community, there not many who are frustrated by the tags of different denominations even the one marked "nondenominational". It isn't that I'm alone. Oh no. Just because there are differences doesn't mean we don't possess the same vocabulary which allows us to communicate. It's just sometimes the grammar is slightly different and something gets lost in translation.

Random Thoughts

I am in an interesting position. I see change all around me, change for the better and for the worse. I feel like Willy, trying to do what he thinks is best but still feeling as if the world is changing and he is the only one left out. The Latin group which I have grown up with and which I have at least tried to build is being torn out of my hands. I love it so much that I know it is time to leave but part of me wants to embrace it and stay with it forever. Even the memories of pictures and words won't even record me this year. It's a bit ironic. Present three years, but absent the last.

In a very real sense I am losing my mentor. Never again will I be his student in the formal sense. I want to share with him my plans for the future in his subject but he does not want to hear. I know it makes him sad. It makes me sad, but part of my life will always be this example of his work. Every time I leave the room, I am filled with bittersweet feelings. I was not always this emotional. Not really at least. I may have put on the act of a drama queen, but the feelings were not real. Now, I feel everything.

It isn't that I'm not excited for the future. I certainly am. Despite all the doubts, I really believe I will love the next four years. They won't be typical. I will study so much, but I will be as happy as I can be. I am constantly attacked by doubts of my abilities. It's the worst it's been in nearly eighteen years. But I think that while I realize that I am not the best, I've come to the conclusion that I don't have to be the best. Latin is sort of like my vision. I don't always see it clearly, but when I do it's magnificent.

Change is a funny thing. It's good. It's bad. It's inevitable. But at what cost?
Change always costs the past, but I suppose you get the present and future in return.

If you accept the need to pay the cost and pay it freely, you'll get the full reward.
But if you refuse to pay, it will be taken from you, and the reward won't be in full, if you can find it all.