Random Thoughts

I am in an interesting position. I see change all around me, change for the better and for the worse. I feel like Willy, trying to do what he thinks is best but still feeling as if the world is changing and he is the only one left out. The Latin group which I have grown up with and which I have at least tried to build is being torn out of my hands. I love it so much that I know it is time to leave but part of me wants to embrace it and stay with it forever. Even the memories of pictures and words won't even record me this year. It's a bit ironic. Present three years, but absent the last.

In a very real sense I am losing my mentor. Never again will I be his student in the formal sense. I want to share with him my plans for the future in his subject but he does not want to hear. I know it makes him sad. It makes me sad, but part of my life will always be this example of his work. Every time I leave the room, I am filled with bittersweet feelings. I was not always this emotional. Not really at least. I may have put on the act of a drama queen, but the feelings were not real. Now, I feel everything.

It isn't that I'm not excited for the future. I certainly am. Despite all the doubts, I really believe I will love the next four years. They won't be typical. I will study so much, but I will be as happy as I can be. I am constantly attacked by doubts of my abilities. It's the worst it's been in nearly eighteen years. But I think that while I realize that I am not the best, I've come to the conclusion that I don't have to be the best. Latin is sort of like my vision. I don't always see it clearly, but when I do it's magnificent.

Change is a funny thing. It's good. It's bad. It's inevitable. But at what cost?
Change always costs the past, but I suppose you get the present and future in return.

If you accept the need to pay the cost and pay it freely, you'll get the full reward.
But if you refuse to pay, it will be taken from you, and the reward won't be in full, if you can find it all.